Porno Planets
New theory of the universe (running for pope btw)
I just saw a picture of a big crater in the grand canyon, and was marveling on how round it was and thinking how it would have been very improbable that if there was a good dinosaur when that thing hit, that the dinosaur would be like, oh excuse me i am just going to step one step to the side here so as to avoid that gigantic thing that is barreling down out of the sky. That would not have happened. The impact crater was very round and didn't leave any nooks and crannies for there to have been a sneaky good guy or a randomly shaped group of bad dinosaurs who had gathered together in just the wrong shape at just the wrong time. This asteroid hit everybody and everything with democratic simplicity. So unless there was a perfectly round shaped group of bad dinosaurs, and plants, and bugs etc, then that asteroid hit good and bad alike. I cant imagine that there would be a perfectly round group of bad things, which means that that is probably a good place to start to come up with an imaginative solution.
So maybe good and bad are a measure of how things are interrupted at an astronomical scale. So, maybe murder and war and stuff like that are sort of backwards echoes of grander astronomical interruptions, like really big asteroid impacts. And maybe when we get to the big one, it will become apparent in the few days or years we have between when we predict it and when it happens -- what good and bad really are -- so that a political movement, or a religion or a really convincing dance craze will pop up that will guide all of the really "bad" people toward the impact, and they will "want" to go, it will make perfect sense, more and more, as the impact draws near, and they will end up in a perfect circle, somehow, with all the bad plants and bugs, waiting under the asteroid impact, doing bad things. And in retrospect, it will become clear that all of our confusion about what is good and what is bad is really just the fluid dynamic complexity of impacts and echoes, at a grand enough scale that it manifests backwards in time as devolution.
So if people are just particularly echoey flame-like protuberances of this ball of stuff - earth -, -- and asteroids, meteors and comets are just less protuberance-ridden balls of stuff, or balls of stuff that are less obviously protuberance-ridden, (and eventually all of the balls of stuff loop back in on one or the other astronomical system)... (and impacts, at a larger scale are good/bad-related, then, data from those large scale impacts on Jupiter should be really interesting, like porno-interesting -- and we should be able to look for other large-scale impact examples in the sky and extrapolate.
I wonder if vectors of ejection and impact are like the geodesics of bubbles within bubbles.
So maybe good really means impact-averse and bad means impact- loving.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 11 2013
God doing good works.
Holy shit!
[DrBob, Feb 15 2013]
(?) Dinonsaurs being saved from Flood
unless I'm mistaken, those are dinosaurs making their way up that ramp into Noah's Ark [xenzag, Feb 15 2013]
Meteorite slams into Central Russia injuring 1100
[JesusHChrist, Feb 15 2013]
Lightning bolt strikes the Vatican's St Peter's Basilica
Must be related [JesusHChrist, Feb 15 2013]
Cuba
[JesusHChrist, Feb 17 2013]
And Calfornia...
I rest my case [JesusHChrist, Feb 17 2013]
I didn't understand a word of that - well, I suppose I understood the individual words, but not their sequencing's emergent concepts. This probably should be [marked-for-deletion] as a theory, unless anyone else can suggest what it is.
-- hippo, Feb 12 2013
SP gland canyon (well, it would be more apropos given the title)
-- not_morrison_rm, Feb 12 2013
Stand By for Another Crater!!! ******[ ] Dang, there goes my house... at least that neighbor cat won't be crapping in my garden again... MWUHAHAHAHAAAA!!
-- Grogster, Feb 12 2013
It occurs to me that this is the perfect opportunity to ask:
what does the 'H' in your name stand for?
-- Loris, Feb 12 2013
Your logic is unflawless.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 12 2013
[JHC], this is your contact speaking. Message acknowledged. Switch to message code six-gamma- swordfish. The KGB is close to cracking this one. Do not initiate BLUE JANUARY until you receive further instruction.
I think this is 'let God sort 'em out' on an astronomical scale. Maybe?
-- RayfordSteele, Feb 12 2013
[Loris] In the beginning, there was a void between the Jesus and the Christ aspects of my identity. But, upon impact, the void realized first into a 0, and then into a 1, followed by a Phi, and then into something that looks like H when it is squished so that both ends balloon up and down the page but are occluded by the overlapping previous and next lines of text.
So you can consider the "H" as my minimalist protest that most of the standard formats that convey my name, like Windows and browser tabs and editable text fields and 8.5x11 paper, are accommodations for sighted people, and also provide the platform that sighted people use to develop their arguments as to why it is too expensive to re-mediate these formats for people who don't have access to them.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 12 2013
So... The theory is that bad people will be subconsciously drawn to gather in tight circles and will subsequently get hit by asteroids but good people won't, so we should watch the skies for evidence to support this theory?
-- Alterother, Feb 12 2013
I think [JHC] is coming down with the same affliction as [beanangel]. Judging by his idea list, he's had a chronic case of it for years, but from this it seems to be worsening. In just a few more ideas, his punctuation and spelling will begin to completely evaporate and all logical coherence will be lost.
Also, that's probably the first time I've ever heard the adjective "porno-interesting" before.
-- Hive_Mind, Feb 12 2013
It's a theory. Maybe it could spawn a whole new religion. Hang on, didn't you try that before [JHC] ?
-- bigsleep, Feb 12 2013
This idea attempts to make some sense of the universe in terms of some objective moral understanding based on some concievable and apparent higher power in either a specific catastrophe or a generalized extinction event that have a general amoral effect but resounding moral echoes based on the general dynamics of protuberances to energetic forceful impacts. Really this is an attempt at a positivist social science, but a phenomenology, that suggests that impending impact events carry a certain gravity before the ultimate event that mobilize bad protuberances to ultimate destruction. It captures a moral ethos reflected in at least some of the more repulsive Darwinian schools, that themselves became centres for disasterous institutional impacts caused by the very bad people that espoused them.
-- rcarty, Feb 13 2013
Exactly as I said. God sorts 'em out using asteroids or something.
-- RayfordSteele, Feb 13 2013
This is why the dinosaurs had to die? They were evil?
-- UnaBubba, Feb 13 2013
My understanding of this is that it's like the idea that sodomy causes earthquakes. Something which is perceived as evil will lead to divine or karmic retribution. If the Universe is seen as a mechanism where good is rewarded and evil punished, something will happen to guide all the evil into situations where it will be cleansed through destruction. An efficient way to achieve this would be for everything that's evil to gather together mysteriously in one place for it to be destroyed by a single disaster, and since a sphere is the most efficient shape with respect to minimising surface area, to be even more efficient, those evil things would slot together in a sphere. So it's Noah's Ark in reverse. Is that correct, [JHC]?
This would presumably mean that if something unambiguously evil could be found, it would tesselate with the object it will eventually join, so somewhere out there, for example, there's a guy with Hitler's face in reverse or something, or maybe a really nasty giraffe with a dent in its thigh that looks like Hitler's face has been scooped out of it, or has a missing set of bristles on its tail which would be matched by a toothbrush moustache.
-- nineteenthly, Feb 14 2013
Right but maybe we have it backwards and sodomy is really good.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 14 2013
OK, so obviously the idea critiques the silly notion that bad things happen to bad people, based on the premise that ALL the dinosaurs were bad - which they were, unless there was a Dinosaur Jesus of some kind that we don't yet know about.
It does however focus heavily on astronomical impacts as being the channel through which divine retrobution occurs.
This is an ultimate fail, as there are manifold vectors through which the cosmos is capable of imposing its karmic will. Obviously many bacteria are good, since they often kill and inflict upleasantness on a great many creatures - we haven't found him yet, but this is unrefutable evidence of some kind of Bacterial Messiah, doling out karmic illness onto anyone unworthy.
If a dog bites a small child in the middle of the woods and nobody hears it (the child) scream, it's obviously because the child deserved it.
If that's true, then inflicting harm on other animals/people is simply performing The Deity's will. Subsequently all serial killers should be released immediately to carry on with their moral harvest.
Or maybe it's all bollocks.
-- zen_tom, Feb 14 2013
By astonishing conincidence, "Moral Harvest" is the latest album by Finno-Urgic black metallers Dinosaur Jesus. It got 6.5 on Pitchfork.
-- calum, Feb 14 2013
//This is why the dinosaurs had to die? They were evil?//
Ah, no. They were evil because they had to die, I think is JHC's theory. Basically, shit happens and if it happens to you then, by definition, you are bad. You sound like ideal Pope material, JHC. Go for it. Fishbone from me.
-- DrBob, Feb 14 2013
I recommend a different blend of weed next time.
-- RayfordSteele, Feb 14 2013
Wow, projecting some pretty powerful ethical value judgments on the fact that things die, sometimes even species. Really a bizarre anthropocentric way of looking at life. There are many many species that never live to see the next generation. For them the world view is to be born, to live and to make seed. NOTHING ELSE EVER HAPPENS. They must be either the wisest or the most unwise of all living things. The logic of "the dinosaurs died, that's fucked up" is so essentially empty of any meaningful direction and conclusion that I'm not at all surprised that it didn't lead to anything interesting. Death is not selective. Bad things are not selective, no force drives good and bad things, and for all intents and purposes, your own death, by the measure of some organisms is a great boon, meaning the difference between the survival of their line and the demise of all that they know. Think about that. When you die, a whole line of organisms that lay dormant awaiting your demise will spring into joyful life and reproduction. It. Means. Nothing.
-- WcW, Feb 14 2013
Let's call it for what it is... a confused, rambling discourse on relative moralism, influenced by a simplistic, breathless, primetime TV doomsday documentary. Alternately, a load of drug-induced bollocks.
-- UnaBubba, Feb 14 2013
I don't think it's a completely dismissable theory. For what it's worth, think in terms of bandwagon social movements of which the effect is not known to any of the bandwagoneers, or bad dinosaurs, but they get involved, congregate etc.because "something is happening here". Depending on your political stripe you can point to whatever social movement you dislike. Something akin to stormchasers or the people who died watching Mount St Helens erupt. In terms of porno maybe all us wankers are congregating around computers missing the opportunity to meaningfully reproduce, bringing about a sort of ejaculatory extinction. The question is what the energy is going into and what the impact could possibly be.
-- rcarty, Feb 14 2013
//primetime TV doomsday //
I'd happily watch that!
-- DrBob, Feb 15 2013
If we lived in a world where a correlative link was discovered between the occurrences of earthquakes and sodomy, you would expect that there would be a lot of money poured into research, the bulk of it coming from sexually conservative types looking for the causative link being sodomy --> earthquakes, government agencies funding morally-neutral research. I shouldn't think anyone would be much fussed if it was found that earthquakes causes sodomy. Anyway, what if there was a causative link, in either direction? Technologies would be developed to either predict where sodomitical outbreaks would occur following seismic events, to allow the moral minorities the chance to swoop in and preach hellfire and damnation in the susceptible territories, or to post hoc determine which eager sodomites had brought about the most recent quake, and to hold them to fiscal account.
//ejaculatory extinction//
Not an unusual concept on an individual level (David Carradine, yer man from INXS, Gottfried in Gravity's Rainbow)
-- calum, Feb 15 2013
I'd like to know what happened to the dinosaurs that were clearly on Noah's Ark? (see link)
-- xenzag, Feb 15 2013
Using this premise, the trick for the Vonnegutian story would be to
1. Let it be known that the character in the story was stockpiling enormous quantities of explosive on an extraterrestrial planet, putatively for mining.
2. Write well enough in the first few pages so that the reader could understand the premise JHC puts forward here. More easily understand, I should say. The character understands and has done experimental verification.
3. Those explosives will actually be used to create grand astronomical interruptions with the intent of manipulating moral actions on earth on a global scale.
4. The moral actions produced culminates in having immoral people gather together in a tight circle.
5. Surprise ending: as opposed to tight proximity of immoral dinosaurs to faciliate extinction, this tight proximity of immoral people is desired because it facilitates selling them stuff. Possibly porn, from the porno planet.
-- bungston, Feb 15 2013
//would expect that there would be a lot of money poured into research, the bulk of it coming from sexually conservative types// - surely the bulk of research in this area would be funded by the defence industry? Just think of the potential for attacking another country by damaging their cities and infrastructure with sodomical earthquakes. There's also a real dilemma here for fundamentalist terrorists - on the one hand the damage you can cause via an earthquake is immense, but on the other hand, sodomy might be contrary to some tenet of your holy book.
-- hippo, Feb 15 2013
It wouldn't be the first time that the interests of the religious hard lines and the military-industrial complex align, I suppose. It seems incontrovertible that sodomical earthquakes are the new weapon of choice, in spite of them posing (as you point out, hippo) the almost platonic ideal of a moral quandry: what evidence we have (specifically, the lack of seismic damage done to the fabric of English public schools) supports the hypothesis that the sodomical earthquake occurs away from the locus of the instigating sodomical act, so they cannot be seen as the Divine [Powers'][Power's] retributive tool on the sexually unorthodox. Investigation of the directionability of such quakes is the next step.
-- calum, Feb 15 2013
The reverberations of past destruction events as the basis of a morality are reflected in the holiest of bibles, but in the world-as-we-know-it large scale disasters are amoral. However, the general dynamics of protruberances to reverberations, such as those echoed by pen and in pulpit, are meant to cause further reverberations and ultimately confession to warn the good of the circle jerk, and repentance of the bad from whence the on-coming is impending. The redemption of reverberatory premature ejaculations by protuberances, the admittance of sin in the confessional as an act of repentance prior to the encircling around the fetishized object is to bring about anti-climax rather than the final reverberatory climactic event.
-- rcarty, Feb 15 2013
And moreover, it logically follows from [calum]'s argument that non-sodomical sex can be used to prevent earthquakes. Thus, earthquake-prone countries can use orchestrated programmes of enthusiastic intercourse between citizens as part of an earthquake prevention programme.
-- hippo, Feb 15 2013
This line of reasoning is supported by the Bible, which defines (IIRC) sexual intercourse outwith marriage as sodomy and dinosaurs being unknowing of the sacrament of marriage they were, simply by reproducing, sodomites, hence their inevitable extinction.
Also, and perhaps more pressingly, can I get a ruling on whether it should properly be sodomical (of or relating to sodomy) or sodomitical (of or relating to sodomites)? It seems the former shrinks from blaming the actors for the act, which might be altogether more Christian. The latter sounds a bit more weaponised, with the greater number of concertina-ed consonants.
-- calum, Feb 15 2013
Likewise, in my previous annotation, should I have written "non-sodomical" or "unsodomical" or "asodomical"?
-- hippo, Feb 15 2013
-- calum, Feb 15 2013
If it is /asodomical/ be careful reading aloud lest people get the wrong idea. Although for the dinosaurs I suppose it would all be the same.
-- bungston, Feb 15 2013
Sodomatic?
-- pocmloc, Feb 15 2013
Insert 25¢
-- Alterother, Feb 15 2013
DATA! (Links)
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 15 2013
Re: link: have you stopped consider the point that St. Peter's Basilica has the tallest lightning rod for miles around?
-- Alterother, Feb 15 2013
Hmm, I hadn't considered that. Actually I am not sure how that second link is even related to this idea, except that it is about a correltation between natural phenomena and moral phenomena. I was thinking more of the first link, that data miners could go to town coordinating video from that link and around the world with times and locations and some kind of a scale for morality and then see if the occurrence of the rusian meteor event matches up in location or time to trends in the data.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 16 2013
[marked-for-deletion] theory, and a rather old theory at that.
-- FlyingToaster, Feb 16 2013
This idea is already marked for deletion. Are you just going around marking ideas for deletion without reading?
-- rcarty, Feb 16 2013
Seconding the motion.
-- FlyingToaster, Feb 16 2013
Moment of truth, the H stands for halfassed.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 17 2013
This idea can't be a bad one because if it were, there'd be a perfectly complementary idea which fit into it perfectly on here somewhere and i can't find one.
On the subject of badness, i disagree that this is a bad idea. In terms of the real world, it is indeed bad, but in terms of this place it's good because it's provoked a load of annos and invective, which is groovy. On here, the bad ideas are the ones which go unnoticed and fail to provoke comments or votes either way. Sometimes such ideas are so bad that, horror of horrors, they could even be baked and improve the quality of people's lives.
-- nineteenthly, Feb 17 2013
Russia, Cuba and California? (Links). Next thing you're going to tell me is one blows up right over Woodstock, Vermont. On one hand I'm like, "jackpot!" On the other, I'm like, "why is jackpot for me Armageddon for everyone else, including me?" But maybe as the meteor impacts increase it will turn out that there really are gatherings of bad people under each one and will slowly become clear that if you are good you can dance among the impacts and they will never touch you and your dance will be a kind of foul-line-eddy all the way up to the big one, or maybe even going through to the other side.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 17 2013
You seem to be assuming that meteorites are the only kind of divine or karmic retribution. The traditional divine weapons are thunderbolts (as in Vatican, allegedly) and maybe volcanoes and quakes. Why focus on rocks from the void?
Also, as i've said before, shouldn't it be MFD - Hypothesis? Or have you got some actual data on this?
-- nineteenthly, Feb 17 2013
I was thinking of meteorites, thunderbolts, volcanoes, earthquakes, and biology as different aspects of the same system that follow fluid dynamic rules and can basically be broken down to good and bad swirling together, and the best place and time to observe the real dynamics of this system would be a large scale impact at the surface of the earth -- the dynamics would become more apparent since the system would be disturbed so deeply, like banging a gong to hear how it rings.
I guess the thing I'm leaving out is that the biological systems are sort of like backward echoes of the impacts - so that the effects of the impacts are "felt" backward in time as biological dynamics that decrease in complexity.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 17 2013
Where I think you're getting tripped up is on the assumption that abstract concepts like good and evil have anything to do with 'biological systems', which they don't. We made them up to help ourselves feel better about feeling guilty because we're inherently selfish, as are the cheetahs and the mooses and the rhinoceroses, who do not worry about silly abstract concepts like good and evil. Things aren't really good or bad, they just are, and when a big rock falls out of the sky and smooshes some people it's not because they were bad people, it's because they were standing where the rock landed. Nature doesn't give a flying fuck who's good and who's bad, what matters is who has the biggest antlers or the sharpest teeth or the fastest reflexes.
If this standpoint isn't theological enough for your taste, then take a lesson from the noble rhinoceros, whose mind is uncluttered with concern and self-doubt, leaving him free to consider the approach of the Great Big Flying Rock of Doom and casually step out of the way before it arrives (Rhinoceroses II, 7:13).
-- Alterother, Feb 17 2013
Good and bad are the two dimensions of the the spaghettiest of all of the spaghetti monster's spaghetti strings, which seems funny when you think of the Italian "paper" palm salute representing the fascia of the universe -- because they so can't get over how damn many of them that there are that they forgot to focus on which ones they were after in the first place, (while Churchill's "scissors" reminded us that there are really only two, and the Russian "rock" fist just tried to squeeze hard enough to get ahold of anything.)
But yes, I definitely have trouble with abstract concepts as things that don't have anything to do with anything else. Just can't get beyond the logic of "things" that don't "exist".
So another summary would be that the series of astronomical impacts to the surface of the earth that have caused periodic extinctions can be thought of backwards in time as birthings where the more complex but mixed whole gives backward birth to a relatively low complexity ball of stuff that is ejected from the earth leaving a highly organized backward impact wake that gradually decreases in complexity and in differentiation, which we read "forward" as the evolution of biology that seems to increase complexity and differentiation.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 18 2013
That sounds backwardsly straightforward.
-- Alterother, Feb 18 2013
Finno-Ugric
Anyway, meteors mostly have iron in them, and people have a lot of water in them, which is kind of so-so magnetic, so on a big, dry continent (Russia in winter) perhaps there is some attraction to where lots of people are? Does sound devilishly unsporting, mind you.
Over here, the old belief was earthquakes are caused by catfish.
-- not_morrison_rm, Feb 18 2013
-But yes, I definitely have trouble with abstract concepts as things that don't have anything to do with anything else. Just can't get beyond the logic of "things" that don't "exist".-
Pointing out that you are a troll is just poor form
So another summary would be that the series of astronomical impacts to the surface of the earth that have caused periodic extinctions can be thought of backwards in time as birthings where the more complex but mixed whole gives backward birth to a relatively low complexity ball of stuff that is ejected from the earth leaving a highly organized backward impact wake that gradually decreases in complexity and in differentiation, which we read "forward" as the evolution of biology that seems to increase complexity and differentiation.
And if that was based on anything but your own fevered imaginations then we might be getting somewhere. Sadly, and it is really tragic, nobody seems to want to devote themselves to study of the infinity inside your head. If you wish to appeal to that sort of study, please stop producing such awful tripe and start producing material worthy of the study.
-- WcW, Feb 18 2013
As an idea, this is bollocks. However, the concept of an entire porno planet is laden with merit.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 18 2013
[WcW]
>>Pointing out that you are a troll is just poor form
I appreciate you avoiding that
>>based on anything but your own fevered imagination
i was trying to summarize teilhard de chardin, Terrence McKenna and ray kurzweil, and if you do know them but didnt get that then i appreciate the feedback.
>>infinity inside your head
Ha ha, based on the fact that i am a troll who dosent exist and i also have an infinity of things that don't exist in my head, now I am going to have to go to the logic hospital :)
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 18 2013
I'm moderately familiar with Kurzweil and I definitely didn't make the connection. I'm not all that certain that he would have, either.
-- Alterother, Feb 18 2013
Is the logic hospital located inside the mental ward?
-- RayfordSteele, Feb 19 2013
Yes, just down the hall from the sarcasm suite.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 19 2013
Is there a bakery?
-- AusCan531, Feb 19 2013
The bakery is to the mental ward as the desktop is to the C drive. At first you think the mental ward is just one of the places you can get to from the bakery, but after you look into it for a while you realize that the bakery is actually a folder within the mental ward.
-- JesusHChrist, Feb 19 2013
"I'm MAAADD!!!!" is usually a sign that you are actually a frightful bore and grossly overcompensating.
-- WcW, Feb 19 2013
Only a crazy person would declare that they are sane.
-- Alterother, Feb 20 2013
Did they remove the dead person from your tent, yet, [Alterother]?
-- RayfordSteele, Feb 20 2013
random, halfbakery
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